Category Archives: Political Humor

A better Bailout

Recently I was talking to a friend about how little good Bush’s bailout and Obama’s economic stimulus bill were doing. My suggestion was to give everyone over 60 two million dollars. I was only half joking. Then my brother in law sent me this via email:

Dear Mr. President:

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America ‘s economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings – Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered – Auto Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed.

It can’t get any easier than that! If more money is needed, have all members of Congress and their constituents pay their taxes…

The eight signs of terrorism

When I came across this little tidbit I was both amused and frightened. Without further ado I give you the eight signs of terrorism (according to our government) and my comments.
Terrorist operations usually begin with extensive planning. You can help prevent and detect terrorism — and other types of crime — by watching out for suspicious activities and reporting them to the proper authorities. Be alert for the eight signs of terrorism!

1. Surveillance- Someone recording or monitoring activities. This may include the use of cameras, note taking, drawing diagrams, annotating on maps, or using binoculars or other vision-enhancing devices.
So the next time you go on vacation don’t look too long at any national monument and for God’s sake leave your camera at home.

2. Elicitation- People or organizations attempting to gain information about military operations, capabilities, or people. Elicitation attempts may be made by mail, email, telephone, or in person. This could also include eavesdropping or friendly conversation.
Elicitation, now that’s a real nice big word, I’ll bet George Bush was never able to pronounce it. If I’m reading this correctly – and I probably am – anytime someone talks to you or someone else it could be a terrorist action. And if you happen to overhear them talking then you could be a terrorist. Turn yourself in now. They saved the best for last – now I should also be suspicious of friendly conversation. I don’t want to be a hermit but I guess I’ll have to otherwise the terrorists win.

Stuff that makes me go 'huh?'

I stopped in a gas station today to get a bottle of water for my wife and a Coke a Cola for me. The water cost $1.29 for a 16 oz bottle and the Coke cost $1.25 for the same size bottle.  Apparently carbonated water and syrup cost less than water.

American car manufacturers are moving their plants overseas while overseas car manufacturers are moving their plants to America.  I’m pretty sure wages are lower in S. Korea than in Alabama.  Probably.

If America started the war in Iraq over oil and are now making real progress in ending it why is the price of a barrel of oil at a record high? But then America didn’t start the war in Iraq over oil – they started it for some other reason. I dont’ know what that is either.

Top of the line conspiracy theory

Remember the Jimi Hendrix song – If Six was Nine? What did he really mean? Let me explain it to you.

In 1919 the sixteenth amendment was passed effectively elimating our rights as American citizens and turning this country into a facist police state controlled by international bankers. Now play close attention to those two numbers – 1919 and 16. If 16 was 19, coincidence?

As further proof of this satanic plot consider this:  9 – 6 = 3. Three sixes are 666. The ‘coincidences’ keep piling up.

It gets even more interesting when we discover Jimi Hendrix (the author and singer of if Six was Nine) died of an ‘overdose’ on September 18, 1970. Sixteen days later controversial singer Janis Joplin also died of an ‘overdose’. September 18. Try to deny these numbers: September is the 9th month, Jimi died on the 18 – 1 + 8 = 9. 16 days later Janis dies. Can you still deny the connection?

Further, Janis was born in Port Arthur Texas where her father worked in an oil refinery It’s not hard to follow the dots from there. The Bush family (from Texas) made their fortune from oil companies that were financed by International Bankers and the Nazis.

The Perfect World

Not feeling real political today so I thought I would share my view of a perfect world:

A perfect world is where:

The French are the chefs
The Italians are the lovers
The British are the police
The Germans are the mechanics
And the Swiss run the trains

An imperfect world is where:

The British are the chefs
The Swiss are the lovers
The Germans are the police
The French are the mechanics
And the Italians run the trains

Cell phones – I hate them.

I have never liked phones of any kind. It was bad enough in the ‘old days’ when the phone only rang in your living room. I hated that I had no idea who was on the other end but the incessant ringing made me feel obligated to answer.  The annoyance was balanced somewhat by the ability to stay in touch with friends and family.

Then came call waiting. I hate that ‘feature’ almost as much as I do cell phones. Whenever I hear the phrase “just a minute, I’ve got someone else calling in” I hang up.  I consider it rude to turn your back on someone and worse when you aren’t even face-to-face. But there is nothing as rude as a person with a cell phone.

Restaurants and movies are prime examples of places where cell phones should not be allowed. And what is so important you have to talk about it standing in line at a grocery store? If you must talk start a conversation with the person in front or behind you. At the very least they are real live people, not disembodied voices on the phone. Which brings me to what I hate the most about cell phones – they legitimize ignoring other people.

God must not like old people

With hurricane season comes two things. One, every news and weather channel on TV will claim they are ‘hurricane central’. So If you really want to keep informed of the latest hurricane news you should tune in 24 hours a day. Which is a great help to the folks in Idaho.

Second, America will have to weather the storm of crackpot preachers telling us God is punishing America for (pick one or more) homosexuality, adultery, idolatry, greed, lust, jaywalking (ok, I threw that one in but you get the point)

What these guardians of the moral purity of America don’t get is God Hates Old People. Yes there are a lot of perverted disgusting people in Florida. And not just in the governors mansion but all over. The majority of Floridians however are old people, folks who have retired and moved there. If God doesn’t hate old people why then why does he send all the hurricanes to destroy their condos? I know you are thinking I may be a bit over the top but it makes about as much sense as God punishing (insert city, state, country here) for (insert deviant behavior here).